Have you ever tried to get back on your diet, or the “wagon,” as they say?
Determined to change the insanity of my life, every Monday morning I made a promise to myself that THIS Monday would be the first Monday of the rest of my life!
HaaaaHooooHeeee.
It’s funny to me now, but I wasn’t laughin’ much, Tuesdays through Sundays back then.
Suffice it to say, a solid, fifteen years of Mondays came and went before any change would come.
My heart was in the right place; my intentions exponentially more sincere than the previous Monday’s promise-to-myself to change my life – once and for all.
Time is a funny thing, especially when it’s going tick-tock on your biological clock.
Tick-Tock
Who thought of that anyway – the biological clock – as if “women of a certain age,” referred to by the medical industry as “Advanced Maternal Age, would spontaneously combust if they didn’t have children to call their own.
While all of those Mondays were coming and going, I definitely felt attacks of spontaneous combustion percolating, but they had nothing to do with my biological clock marking time.
I was pretty messed up for all of my twenties and then some, for a myriad of reasons, but I did have the good sense to realize that bringing kids into this world when I was just an over-grown toddler myself, would be selfish and unfair.
That sounds so mature; so selfless, doesn’t it? I love that.
Sadly, but more truthfully, I only felt that way because of what parenting would do to me and MY life.
By the time the thought of having children even crossed my mind for the first time, I was of “Advanced Maternal Age” and marrying for a second time.
Your clock may “take-a-lickin,” but time just “keeps on tickin’ And, as time doth ticks, time doth tells.
I think it’s common knowledge that wanting kids and being able to have them isn’t up to us.
Regardless of desire, our “awesomeness,” our willingness to accept the unforeseen challenges and sacrifices that will accompany this life-long commitment, the job of being a parent isn’t one you can up and quit.
There’s no play book, no manual, no “How To” guide, no rules that prove what works and what doesn’t.
Other than Dr. Spock – who no one ever seems to mention – is a Vulcan, who is qualified to write a parenting book; one that would truly stand up to the test – of time?
Tick-Tock
God is the simple answer. He can do anything. But whose God would write it? Then there are the hundred rewrites, edits, polishes and tweaks to consider. It’s a creative difference of colossal proportions waiting to happen.
Do you decide with the flip of a coin?
Who flips it? And if you do flip it, where in the world would it land? How would you find it and what are I-Clouds?
And and and, what if you don’t believe in God? Atheists are parents too. How is that fair? Not that they’re parents, but that they don’t get to throw a potential “God-like” author’s name into the mix.
Truth-Be-Told
Anyone having kids should know that despite the adorable nursery, year’s supply of diapers and wipes (including the “wipe-warmer” that keeps “Baby Lima Bean’s” bottom from feeling the shock of a cold wipe when momma is wiping things clean for the tenth time in the middle of the night), the money spent on every possible safety gadget available to mankind, which costs the equivalent of today’s in-state, college tuition, raising kids is a crap shoot really.
And forget the books. I had enough information to be dangerous. “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” Please. Here’s the real story: “What NOT to Expect When You’re Expecting!”
Then there’s the physical aspect. No one ever told me the truth about that either.
Forget the nine months before the actual birth, when I toppled over my own belly trying to tie my shoes. (Needlees to say, I wore slip-ons and flip-flops after that.)
No, no one ever told me about the hours and hours of painful contractions, the “hard” labor, which should not be confused with plain ‘ol “light” labor, and my attempts at pushing an elephant (it’s all relative) out of an ant hole, the “ring-of-fire,” the “sexy,” expandable, mesh underwear, and the Niagara Falls squirt bottle that literally, defies the laws of gravity.
How many of you really knew about that stuff before you got pregnant?
If you did, then I really am the last to know because these things were not the lovely parting gifts that I had had in mind.
I know – having kids, now that I do is life’s greatest gift, which I used to think sounded sooo corny when another mom said it. “Oh, brother,” I thought. “And she probably uses the television to babysit the little darling.”
That said, I probably don’t seem very credible. At the very least, I’m biased, but I swear, MY kids (and husband – the second one) are the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given and I’m not just saying it because they’re mine.
And since my credibility rating may be declining at the moment, I should try squeezing in the fact that television can be very educational and has provided this tired mom time for an occasional shower.
(For the record though, I made sure my kids were locked, loaded and strapped into their ridiculously, expensive five-point harnesses beforehand.)
My Parenting Strategy
Didn’t have one.
As a “newbie,” I was terrified thinking about all the things I didn’t know and all the things I feel I’m the last to know. Time has had its way of escaping with my best intentions, so “What could be the worst thing to happen if I were to teach my kids sooner, rather than later,” I thought.
I made the decision then, lying in the hospital with Danny that I would start as soon as we got home. It’s not like I would get any sleep for the next eighteen years and for once, time was on my side; he wouldn’t be able to back-talk for a while and he’s certainly not going to listen to his mother when he reaches adolescence. Chances are, he’ll regress like most teenagers, and not talk again, so I’d better start teaching forwards instead of ‘ass-backwards’.
As Mark Twain wrote: “Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at eighty and gradually approach eighteen.”
Mommy Mantras
Out loud, I started saying daily mantras.
Basically, I was just talking to myself all day long and keeping my fingers crossed that their hearing was in proper working order.
As they learned how to talk, I made them ”repeat after me.”
Eventually, they began saying the mantras themselves and I just listened.
With each “first” and “new” experience, the meaning of the mantras kept expanding; keep expanding in size and shape, uniquely suited to their lives. It seems second nature now.
With few exceptions, e.g. “No texting and driving” the mantras haven’t changed much. Maybe consistency helps.
Daily Mantras
I am special. I am enough. I can do anything. I believe. I matter.
Mommy loves me. Daddy loves me. Danny loves me. Mark loves me. I love me. God loves me. (Lucy loves me – the dog, they added the dog.)
Gentle, Loving, Caring, Kind, Compassionate, Humility, Balance, Grace, Tenderness, Strength, Help, Hope, Honesty, Openness, Willingness, Abundance.
Most important things in the whole world?
God, Love, Family, Laughing, Forgiving, Saying you’re sorry, Always doing the next right thing.
What is the only thing absolute?
God’s Love (And change.)
What do you say to yourself if someone calls you a stinky, poopy butt or says that they hate you? I am not defined by what other people say or do?
Mark: “Mom, can you not call me a stinky, poopy butt? It sounds like you’re really calling me that and it hurts my feelings.”
Mom: “I’m sorry, Mark. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Can you forgive me?
Mark: Sure, mom. I still love you and I don’t have a stinky poopy butt.”
No drugs, alcohol, cigarettes or tobacco.
No drinking and driving. No drugs and driving. No texting and driving.
What do you say if you’re feeling scared, frustrated, angry, sad, not sure?
Let Go, Let God.
And what can you do when you’re feeling any of those things?
Breathe in Peace, Breath out Fear.
What is the most important thing you can do in your life?
Be useful to other people.
How can you find purpose?
Do service work.
Meanwhile
As parents, we’ll keep loving them through changes; keep reassuring them that we accept them for who they are - the way they were delivered to us – whole and complete.
We’ll continue searching for more knowledge and better information, so they can have more choices and the greatest chance possible at a living a life beyond their wildest dreams.
I know I can’t protect them from pain and heartache; trying would be a disservice. But if they can grow up learning how to embrace the suffering they experience now, maybe it will ease their suffering later and make the hurt feel a little bit less than it might otherwise feel.
At the end of the day, I think Andy and I choose “right,” and by right I mean we do our best to choose love over fear. If we only instill in Danny and Mark the feeling that they are loved and lovable, unconditionally, then today’s work is done and tomorrow is another crap shoot.
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