Identity Theft: An Inside Job
Do you ever feel like someone might steal your identity?
Not me; I don’t have one – yet.
I’m looking though.
Since my kids are growing up at an alarming pace and I’m feeling downsized, I’ve been faced with the challenge of finding my identity, so I started looking for a new job. (Call Me Maybe)
I hate to admit it, but motherhood makes me feel inadequate and guilty, so when my kids leave for school, I fantasize that I’m a master of disguise; a freelance spy with a micro-chip for a brain, whose weaknesses are caviar, luxury yachts, and beer-battered onion rings, but alas…
…I’m a freelance writer who spends a lot of time searching for an identity, and an equal amount of time worrying about it failing me when I find it.
I do have a few identifying features that have nothing to do with my kids: I like green smoothies, I eat nuts, I cook with coconut oil, and I’m allergic to practically nothing – except eggs and alcohol, which stinks because my favorite meal is a vodka omelet.
I love sports, music, writing, reading, eating, and laughing so hard that tears stream down my face.
I love laughing even more so, when I’m doing it with friends and family, and friends who make me feel like family, and complete strangers.
It hasn’t been hard losing my identity inside the framework of being a wife and a mom, but my feelings of inadequacy and guilt often leave me feeling like I’ve failed.
This kind of thinking is dangerous for me.
I used to think failing was the worst of all possible outcomes, so I felt like a failure most of my life.
I still do.
No matter how much I achieve, how well I perform, or how perfectly I perfect, I feel gravely, inadequate.
I didn’t understand until recently that not trying was failing, so now I try in order not to fail and I pray for the absolution of my guilt before it kills me.
I know that someone can steal my identity, and ultimately, make my life a living hell, but I’ve been to hell and back.
My identity might only be a sketch outline at the moment, but no one will ever really be able to steal it because it’s not attached to the things that hackers like to hack.
It’s securely attached to who I AM, so the only one who can hack my identity is me; it’s an inside job.
The absurdity is, I’ll be teaching a writing class at the library next week called ©The Writer’s Shed: Everyone Has A Story, helping others to develop a deeper sense of who they are and what they do by finding inspiration in their own stories – whatever they might be.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Until then…
…Cheers to finding humor in our journeys, feeling secure and empowered by who we are and what we do, and to forgiving ourselves of whatever guilt we are carrying around.
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Wow, the old identity thing. It never quits. I’ve discovered myself and re-discovered myself almost daily. It gets tiring. And did I mention, it never quits? An odd paradox for me is being an empath. I read feelings that aren’t always my own. That’s a lot like taking on another’s identity. Fortunately I never keep them so you are safe. I sometimes remind myself of the pirate ship notice that read, “The floggings will continue until morale improves.”
Yes, I feel like I’m in the midst of reinventing myself AGAIN too, and I’m glad to hear that you still rediscover yourself every day.
I love the pirate ship noice that read, “The floggings will continue until morale improves.” A good reminder to just keep putting one step in front of the other and get rid of the bad attitude when I have one. No sense complaining.
How wonderful that you’ll be teaching a class, Mo! Wish I could be there! When I think about ‘identity’ I think about its acronym, “ID.” ‘According to this model of the psyche, the id is the set of uncoordinated instinctual trends; the super-ego plays the critical and moralizing role; and the ego is the organized, realistic part that mediates between the desires of the id and the super-ego.’ Seems it’s this field of experience where all this internal conflict gets conjured up. But better to be in the ‘fight phrase’ than in a comma, right? And then there’s more pondering about the word ‘psyche’ that is synonymous with ‘soul’ according to Greeks… and THAT reminds me of the idea that our soul is here, having a human experience… so live it up, lol 🙂 xox
Mara!!!!!! Thought about how much I wish you could be at this class too! I love your comment(s) – they are always so thought provoking. I love the idea of the ID acronym and the fight phrase vs the comma! I didn’t know that psyche is synonymous with soul either – so much to learn and from you, still… always. Thanks for teaching ME so much; you’re with me in the classroom of LIFE. From my psyche to my soul, thank you from the bottom of my heart. xo
Mo, I thought I knew who I was until I read your article and then I wasn’t so sure. Maybe none of us have an identity unless we have a job and we say, I am a teacher and that’s my identity. Now that I am retired, getting really old , I wonder who I am ? Grandma…. wife… Mother?
I guess it can be very perplexing. All the same, I don’t want to loose my identity- or whoever I am or used to be. Maybe I should sign up for your writing class and see if I find someone hiding inside myself?
Jenny, I love hearing this. After reading your comment I thought, maybe my confusion is in the definition of the word and that I think I must define it – my identity – if i don’t, then how will I be perceived; how will others define me? Is that it?
Identity is so closely aligned with purpose and I’m not sure what that is either. I just know now, I have to keep writing, so I identify myself as a writer, but beyond that I AM many things – I just AM – I AM and hope to BE better and kinder and more understanding and patient and loving today. That’s how I want to be remembered, so it brings me back to our stories – everyone has one, who’s going to tell yours, is what I am asking myself… I hope you do sign up for my writing class. I know you, and your life has made a difference in mine, which means mine can make a difference in others too. We’re all connected, aren’t we? See you Monday? 🙂 xoxoxo
It’s so great to see your articles again! I really enjoy reading them! I think you are amazing and so talented. Write down the guilt and insecurities and then burn them and let them drift away. They are not who you are! Many blessings always!
Oh Maria, it is so wonderful to hear your “voice” again… and to hear my own voice whispering on to the page again… Thank you for your encouragement and the wonderful suggestion. Look for my smoke signals tonight – I’ll be having a little bonfire!!! 🙂
Good stuff!
Thanks AV. You make the journey worth it!
Hi Mo, I think, I hope, most people feel their inadequacy because humans mostly are inadequate. And that leaves room for being open to help. Complete self-reliance is a grave error. To put it another way, some of the most dreadful people I have met exuded limitless self-confidence, an armor impervious to the arrows of rational thought or to the pike of self-awareness. They often rise to the top of their field for a time. But time ineluctably reveals the tale, a cautionary tale at that. “The gods first raise up those they wish to destroy.” There is a certain humor in that I think.
What great insight, GT. And what a relief. You’re right; I hadn’t thought of it this way – self-reliance is a grave error, and an act of incredible hubris, which might be “hubrisly” redundant, but there is a certain absurdity in saying so, if I do say so myself. Thank you so much for your continuous support and comments. They are invaluable and appreciated, always. Thank you very much for continuing to read and comment!!!! 🙂
I can totally relate to this, though I have no kids. I try to be authentic in every move I make, and in every breath I take…..but no matter what I do, I feel like a fraud. Who am I to kid anyone? I’m as helpless as everyone else. Moving through life, pretending I know what I’m doing. But what else do we have? Is it a case of “fake it until you make it?” Or is it more “doing the best I can?” I love laughing so hard that tears fall from my face, but I usually just end up peeing my pants. In the end, I do believe that we’re all just doing the best that we can.
I’m happy to say that I’ve laughed and cried so hard with you and embarrassed to say I think I peed myself as well! Haaaaa
Keep doing the best you can, because the best you do is amazing! I’ve seen it first hand.
Thanks so much for reading, Scott. And thank you for commenting here!